Weirder Things Have Never Happened
by Elizabeth Blossom
Summary: Kíli was always right about what they needed to do, Bifur was always worried about something, Legolas (why'd he join them again?) was killing the orcs Thorin wanted to kill, and Bilba was just being a troll. Bofur needed a drink.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Hobbit.

**Note:** This is a story based on a prompt I got from WeStandHereUnited:_ I like timetravel stories, absolutely love them, so I was wondering whether you might be able to do a story where Bilbo goes back in time and redoes the quest to Erebor, but this time is amazing and can fight and stand up for himself. Maybe Bilbo/Bofur as a main pairing, (perhaps Bilbo could know that Bofur liked him the time before, and so spends his free time when not busy being awsome flirting with the miner (to the dwarf's half disbeleiving surprise and great happiness.)), other pairings could be any, I'm not too fussed. It would be great if Bilbo was the one to finally kill the dragon at the end though._

She read it and liked it, so here it is for all you lovely people to see. Also I made it fem!Bilbo because a.) I can, b.) I seem incapable of writing male!Bilbo without shipping him with Kíli, c.) I seem to also be incapable of writing Kíli with a woman so that came in, and d.) I just really love fem!Bilbo!

* * *

_Bifur was in love with a woman named Háni. He loved her more than there was gold in the world and he adored more than he needed to breathe. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, with flaming red hair that reminded him of fire and sparkling blue eyes that enchanted him like sapphires. Every minute that Bifur had ever spent with her had made him realize that, love, true and everlasting love, was something amazing and wonderful, and that when you finally made the pacts of marriage they should only ever be with the one you shared that kind of love with._

_This was Bifur why hated that he had given Bilba and Kíli permission to marry__. He knew the pressure being put on them to do such, and he knew it would strengthen Kíli's rule to have someone as well-loved as Bilba as queen, accepted by everyone. But he also knew that there was no love between them except the love of a brother and a sister. Bifur wanted to stand up and revoke his permission. True, it was not needed legally, but they would not get married if he did. It would make him hated among the dwarf-lords, but he honestly couldn't give a damn. What Bilba and Kíli were entering was anything but marriage._

_He wanted to say that Kíli should marry that elf-prince that could make him smile; Legolas, Bifur believed his name was. That Bilba was not like dwarves, she was a Hobbit and could find love again in someone who was not Bofur, and she could still have happiness in her life if they did not go through with it._

_But Bifur stayed silent. And he hated himself for that._

Bofur yawned. He was exhausted. Bombur and Bifur had kept him up half the night by snoring and yelling things at random respectably, though why Bifur was yelling "Don't get married" in Khuzdul was unknown to Bofur, and frankly he wanted it to remain unknown. He glanced at his brother and cousin, cursing them. He wondered how Bombur could always be so cheerful no matter what. It had always been a trait that he wished he had gotten. The fact that Bifur seemed to be miserable at least gave Bofur some comfort that he was not alone in his ill mood, and it wasn't just Bifur either he had noticed. He wondered what that conversation earlier between Bifur and the youngest Durin heir, Kíli, had been about. Bofur had thought for sure that the boy would burst into tears.

Bofur looked around. Along with his brother and cousin coming with him to the burglar's house, there was Óin and Glóin, Dori and Nori and Ori, and Gandalf. The wizard was an odd fellow, though Bofur liked him, and he seemed content to talk to Óin about whether magic was good to use when healing someone, or if they should heal naturally. Bombur was deep in conversation with Glóin and Nori, and Dori was fussing over Ori and saying that he needed to look clean and respectable for meeting the burglar, and that a good impression must be made. Bifur was staring straight ahead, deep in thought.

Bofur walked ahead. "Whatcha thinkin' about, cousin? You seem to have a war going on in your head, and I'm just wondering what side's winning."

Bifur looked at him, appearing startled for a moment before smiling and saying, "Just wondering about quest ahead and dangers about to face. Like everyone. But talking with Prince Kíli, and he very worried about quest. Says he has horrible feeling."

"What do you mean?" _And why do you say Prince Kíli? You don't say Prince Fíli or King Thorin. What has Kíli done to earn such respect from you?_

Bifur shrugged. "Just horrible feeling. He can't explain, but just wants everybody be careful. Told him I make sure."

Bofur nodded, the quest was sure to be dangerous, worry was understandable. He wouldn't expect such worry from the young prince however, but he had never met the princes in anything other than the Company meetings. He didn't know anything about them other than Fíli was the loud one who had never met a weapon he couldn't use and Kíli was the quiet one who had never met a book he couldn't read. He didn't know much about them other than that however.

"We are here," Bofur heard Gandalf say and he looked up at the green door. The house it belonged to looked simple but cozy. It looked like the kind of place that you just know that someone kind lived there. Before Gandalf could even knock on the door, it opened, and there in front of Bofur stood the most beautiful being he had ever seen.

She looked nothing like a dwarf woman, shorter than him by a foot and with curly honey-blonde hair. Her features were delicate and her figure was slender. Inquisitive green eyes sparkled with life as she smiled and greeted them, "Another six! This means there's only one more dwarf left then. I hope he comes soon!"

Her eyes met Bofur's. "Though I must say, I like the group we already have. Some of these dwarves are rather handsome."

Her smile turned into a grin and Bofur's heart jumped five stories.

He was no longer tired.

* * *

I'll try to update the next chapter soon. I'll start it after I publish the next chapter for my other fic.


	2. Chapter One

**Note:** I always seem to write sad when I mean to write happy and happy when I mean to write sad. Obviously my stories don't like me.

* * *

_Kíli knew Bilba would be awake when he snuck back into their bedchambers. She was always awake when Kíli came back. He once asked her why and all she did was shrug and say, "Because it's the one time I have to myself. I'm always surrounded by guards or servants and I just get very little time to be alone. Does that make sense?"_

_She looked up as he entered and smiled. Kíli loved Bilba. He really did. Maybe if Bilba was a Bilbo or something, Kíli could actually see himself having a marriage how most people have a marriage. But Bilba was Bilba and she was basically his sister...and besides Kíli loved Legolas so the matter was moot anyhow._

_"So how's Legolas?" she asked as Kíli readied himself for bed._

_"He's fine. How's your book?"_

_"Good. I want a divorce."_

_Kíli felt himself falling on to the bed before he stammered out, "Wha-What? Do you know how angry my advisors are going to be?"_

_"Very angry I imagine, but need I remind you that you are king and they are not?"_

_"Yes, but-"_

_"And do I also need to remind you that we've been married for six months and haven't even kissed if it wasn't for show at a public function?"_

_"I know-"_

_"And that you can bear children so if you and Legolas married, that would solve the issues of heirs?"_

_Kíli shut his eyes. He didn't want to look at Bilba, who he knew was just staring at him with one eyebrow cocked and waiting for him to response. Simply staying quiet wouldn't do it; she would just wait until he exploded under the pressure of the silence and then just trick the answers out of him._

_He took a deep breath and began to speak, his eyes still close._

_"I'm sorry Bilba. I can't give you a divorce. Just because I'm the king doesn't mean that my word is final. I mean, it_ is,_ but it isn't really. If I don't do what the advisors want, they can spread rumors about me that can undermine my authority as king. I can get away with little things and some big things if at least two of them also agree, but on this they are unanimous. Me and you should be married. The people love you, and since you are older than me when we look at our respective ages in the terms of our race, they think you stabilize me. Make me a better king. You're also neutral, and I'm not offending any dwarf lords because I'm marrying this other lord's daughter, not theirs._

_"And yes, I know we haven't had any private, physical intimacy; but that's going to have to change. We're going to have to have kids and while the dwarves of Erebor can and have accepted they will have a half-Hobbit leading them one day, they will never accept a half-elf and I hate that. I hate that because I think me and Legolas would have pretty fucking beautiful kids. I think they would all have brilliant smiles and hair lighter than mine but darker than Legolas's, but the shade would vary with each one of them. I love the thought of getting bigger with his children inside of me, of seeing you getting pregnant because I should be carrying my own children._

_"It hurts, Bilba. It hurts so fucking much."_

_And then Kíli began to sob for the first time since the Battle of Five Armies. He felt crushed with all these emotions. They were dragging him down to the bottom of the sea and Kíli couldn't swim under the best circumstances. He felt Bilba put her arms around him, but he knew that she wasn't his raft, pulling him to safety._

_He was her weight, dragging her to death._

Bofur thought his brother really should go on a diet as he lay almost crushed under the pile of dwarves. He heard the burglar's musical laughter and then felt smooth hands pull him up. He found himself looking into green eyes as the others struggled to disentangle themselves.

"Are you okay?" she asked smiling.

Her smile was like sunshine and all Bofur could do was nod.

"Good," she said and bent down to pick up his hat, which he had not noticed losing. "I wouldn't want to see that lovely face ruined." She put his hat back on his head, letting her fingers run down the sides of his face before she moved away. "Though I can see that there is more than to you than just your face."

For that time it took for her to return his hat and say those words, and for many moments after, Bofur wasn't sure he breathed. The burglar seemed to know it too, giving a little smirk as she stuck out her hand for him to shake.

Bofur clasped and shook it uncertainly.

"Bilba Baggins," she said. "At your service."

Bofur couldn't believe his ears. He felt like he was in one of those erotic tales by O that he read _solely_ for the plot. Bilba saying that she was in his service? This was-

"I need to talk to you." Bofur jumped almost a foot in the air at the sound of Kíli's voice (damn, that boy could be sneaky!), before concern grew at the pure panic and fear in it. The youngest Durin was wild-eyed and looked a bit green with both hands on his stomach. Bofur automatically backed away even as he asked, "Are you alright lad? You don't feel sick?"

Kíli looked at him dazed, as if he hadn't noticed Bofur was there. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to talk to Bilba for a second. Excuse us?" Before Bofur could even think, Kíli had grabbed Bilba and pulled her down a hallway, heading where he didn't know.

Bofur turned to look behind him as the rest of dwarves straightened up while pretending that they were not wondering about whatever they just saw _was._ Except for Nori. Nori had no such qualms.

"What in the Hall of Mandos was that?"

* * *

"Kíli, what do you think you're doing? There is going to be talk!" Bilba said in a furious whisper as Kíli pulled her into a random guest room before slamming the door and leaning back against it. Her anger turned into worry as he slid down the wooden door. Kíli wrapped his arms around his legs and licked his lips before he whispered the words.

"I think I'm pregnant."

Time seemed to stretch and the only sound was their breath catching, though for different reasons each. Then time seemed to barrel ahead as Bilba asked, "How?"

"How do you think?" Kíli snapped. "The magical fairies?"

Bilba tried to reign in the want to snap back. "I know _how,_ Kíli. What I'm asking about is. . . .? Well, you know what I'm asking! Legolas hasn't been anywhere near Ered Luin!"

Kíli gave a shaky breath. "Actually, he has."

"What?"

"It's a five-week journey from Mirkwood to Ered Luin if you don't stop or get sidetracked. Legolas was at Ered Luin for two weeks before he came to Bree to be ready when we came here. I'm probably three weeks along."

"Well, how do you know? Are you just throwing up? You might be sick!"

Kíli looked at her the most patronizing way. "I asked Gandalf."

Everything in Bilba that wanted to deny Kíli's claim fell away. If Gandalf said Kíli was pregnant, then Kíli was pregnant.

Kíli continued on talking. "Something seemed weird about my body and things were coming together. The only explanation was that I was pregnant. So I asked and I am."

Bilba looked at Kíli. He was so young, in body and mind. The things he had been through were more than enough to age him and they had. Bilba had almost forgotten how young he was, save for some painful reminders. But confronted with this situation, the biggest undertaking he would ever have, and she was reminded.

Kíli was suddenly young again. "I'm scared Bilba. I'm really scared."

She would make sure he wasn't.


	3. AN

I've been having writer's block, so I will be doing a major edit to this story in hope's that I will get over the block. I hope to start Monday, as I'm very busy this weekend, and I would like to hear ideas for what you might want to see. I can't promise I will do all or even most, but I will take all ideas into consideration and will explain to you why exactly I couldn't do it.

Thank you for reading my story.


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